Conservative Paradise
Diary, 8th August 2023
IN BIRMINGHAM today where I am experiencing the pleasures of the Orient after just a short drive up the motorway. Here one only has to catch a public bus in order to breathe in the titillating smells of jasmine, saffron, lemongrass and masala. On the streets one’s step is lightened by a melange of exotic and incomprehensible tongues. I smoke hookah in one of the many tea rooms, and later dine of a döner kebab.
This is the true Conservative’s paradise, for anyone who calls himself so should be an enthusiastic Orientalist. It is no longer necessary to travel the four corners of the Earth to find your pleasure dome; you can find it at the end of the M6.
As the two Nepalese women finish off my pedicure I am struck with how impossible this would have been a mere eighty years ago, before Britain graciously opened its doors to the world. Now, even a man of my modest means can have his Arabian dream. What’s more, such a disparate group of peoples, united by nothing but my common custom, are the least likely to stir up any social trouble, or start making unreasonable demands of the government. Is it any wonder that the Socialist party is trying to send them all back?